Jeannetta Jo

This weekend is Mother's Day. It is a really hard day for me. Five years ago, my freshman year of college I lost my mom to breast cancer. It was the hardest day of my life and although it's been five years I feel like I'm just now starting  to accept and deal with it. I don't feel like I have honestly shared anything about my mom because it's really painful to talk about her, but that is selfish she was way too cool to not talk about.  My mom and I did not always have the best relationship, we fought constantly actually. She wanted me to be girly, wear dresses and curl my hair and I wanted to wear baseball caps, skip showers and play volleyball (if she could only see me now:) ). She wanted to teach me how to cook, sew and be crafty (which are all things I absolutely love now!) and I again wanted to rollerblade, pierce my lip and wear all black. I don't know why I felt the need to be so rebellious but she always supported and tolerated my fashion and attitude phases.

The thing that is the hardest for me is that I feel like my brothers being so much older than me ( 6 and 7 years) had the chance to grow and make mistakes with my mom. When I finally started growing up and realizing that my mom had my best intrest all these years, she died. I couldn't get over the things she was going to miss, watching me walk down the aisle, being with me in the delivery room and calling her after having a baby asking "Is this normal?". Years 19-24 have been rough without my mom. Simple questions like how much flour to put in a recipe, what stitch to use for a skirt, why my stomach feels the way it does, mom stuff. I am very thankful that I got to spend time with her before she died, most people don't get a chance to say goodbye. When I flew home from college I had no idea that she was going to die, things progressed way too fast. The doctors told us that she would have about 6 months to live, that we should take her home make her comfortable and enjoy life. Well those 6 months turned into 3 weeks, I watched my mom suffer in pain and she took her last breath while holding my hand. It was an awful feeling, a feeling of being completely helpless. Although it was hard, during those 3 weeks we were best friends and told each other everything about how we felt. The cancer had spread to her brain and in her bloodstream, but everytime she was able to talk she would constantly remind me of how beautiful I was and how I was going to make a great mom. I was in tears constantly, my mom and I were finally starting to understand each other and then she was gone.

This isn't meant to be a sad post I promise. Even though all of this sucks, I have become a stronger person from everything that happened. I have learned to be independent and appreciate life in a new way that I wasn't able to before.I have realized that life is short and it's not as bad as we make it out to be sometimes:).

 Now to tell you the reason behind my blog name Lycaeides. Lycaeides is the scientific name for a blue butterfly, my mom loved butterflies and gardening. The real symbolism it has for my family is from a dream my sister in law had shortly before my mom died. The nurse told us to try and get some sleep so my brothers sister in law and I completely exhausted took a short nap. We woke up to the nurse telling us it was "time". My sister in law said she had a dream where a beautiful blue butterfly was flying really high, she kept trying to reach it but she couldn't and just as she was about to catch it the nurse tapped her. As I said before my mom loved to garden and all the little critters it came with, her favorite color was also blue:)  My mom died a couple hours later and ever since then we see blue butterflies everywhere and I can't help but to smile when I see one.

I am also realizing the traits and things I have in common with her recently. She could make absolutely anything out of anything, she made a ninja turtle halloween costume for me in kindergarten and all the kids were super jealous:) she was an artist. She was so funny oh man could she make you laugh.I loved when we would play cranium and she would have to act something out. She was trying to be a mermaid and looked like she was having a seizure on the floor, she couldn't understand why no one was getting it! lol. She loved to dance even though she was awful and she loved animals of any kind.She especially loved her pups, we had 4:)  Iced tea was her favorite drink and she loved to watch General Hospital ( didn't really have that in common lol)

Even though she is gone she lives in my heart. I will constantly be reminded of her through butterflies, gardening and everything else that she loved. Jeannetta Jo, my mom, my best friend I miss you with all my heart and I can't wait to one day have a little one of my own to tell them about their mamaw Jeannetta:)