Let Go...

Those two words, Let Go.. They have been on my heart and in my mind for weeks now. I will be completely honest with you, this is extremely difficult for me. Holding onto unnecessary things, or people that do nothing but discourage you and bring you down. This is a challenge because although I'm a "lover" I fight to make things better, to solve things. My intentions are always in the best interest, but what I've realized is that no one is asking me to do this. I put these expectations on myself, that I have to mend, restore, improve and have this mindset that everyone is going to like everyone. The honest truth is that some people just don't care, point blank. How I should react to that is, alright that's fine and move on.  The reality is that I honestly can't help but to care, and I want to know what is going on deeper. My heart physically hurts when people have hardships,so much to the point of exhaustion. Finding the balance is really difficult, changing who I am seems ridiculous so what's the alternative? I never want to change who I am, but that balance is necessary.

 How you grow up really affects your morals, insecurities, outlook, and the way you deal with and handle situations. Although you can of course decide to live differently than your parents, it's what you know and a part of who you are. My second mom Theresa is awesome at encouraging me and kicking my ass at the same time. I remember having many relationship conversations with her about me not understanding. As lovingly as possible she would say "Christy, maybe they just don't care anymore, move on" ouch!, but it's the truth. Sometimes I think we can be in denial, and tell ourselves certain things to make us feel better because we are afraid of the reality. The reality that hurts, sucks and is uncomfortable to talk about. What I have learned from these realities is that, yes they do hurt but they also make you who you are. If we never had bad things happen, would we be able to appreciate as much? I don't think we would.

Wake up and live your life, let shit go, move forward and don't look back (speaking to myself mainly.) If we dwell we are missing out on so much!, the really cool thing about God and life is that everyday is new and different. The only thing stopping us is ourselves, not the people who have hurt us. They are not a part of you, they don't know your heart and if they don't desire to, why not let them go?. We get so far into our heads sometimes thinking and thinking, when we should be living. I know it's cliche but life is short, when you lose someone really close to you it's hard not to think it's going to happen again. Whether that be physically or emotionally it hits close to home. Love the people around you and do whatever it is that makes you happy and brings joy. Life is full of questions, that I sure the hell don't have the answers to but we are discovering and learning more about ourselves through hardships. Do what it is you love and never change who you are.

I aspire to do many things in life, my passions are endless. While this might seem exciting, it often becomes quite overwhelming. When you put all of these passions together it seems like my mind is a bit jumbled, almost like a puzzle with all the wrong pieces. Somehow in all of the “Jumbledness” there is beauty, creativity, discovery, ambition and the delights of my heart. This is who I am, a girl with a desire to impact, challenge, inspire and love.

So far this sounds like I have a pretty good idea right?, Haha. There is a story that always sticks with me when I'm trying to figure out life and discover who I am. When I was little I loved four things, Mermaids, Whales, Music and Writing (when I was little?). Singing and “swimming” around the house was my joy. I would put on shows for my family of myself as a mermaid ,singing a song I was making up at that moment. Seashells made out of cardboard were hanging from the ceiling, coffee table, and anywhere else I could tape them. My ocean life stuffed animals that I had collected from numerous Sea World trips would be scattered all over the living room, I mean “ocean” floor. I would have sheets of paper in my hands of scenarios I wanted to act out throughout my performance, according to my brothers it was quite comical. As you probably figured out by now, The Little Mermaid was always my favorite movie, I was Ariel. Being a mermaid was a big deal to me, I refused to just be Ariel at home. My mom constantly heard me say, mermaids need to buy groceries too!, mermaids like to go to the movies, they like riding in cars, eating cotton candy, playing volleyball and obviously they like to swim!. While my mother did not mind my creative little imagination, I didn't just say these things I acted them out. Mermaids need water to swim so while we were out of the water I “flopped” everywhere. Yes I said flopped. This caused my family a bit of embarrassment, watching their daughter and sister rolling in the middle of the seafood aisle at the grocery store. I wish that I could find this joy again, this is who I am, well not a meramid but you know:). Find that joy of who you are and don't care what anyone else thinks, don't be afraid to let go.